A young man in a denim jacket, shorts, and a backward baseball cap sitting on a bench at a park or sports field, viewed through a chain-link fence.

At 20, I yearn. I desire. I fear. I dream of belonging. I struggle to understand my place. I perform. I morph. I transform from nerd to jester to hunter to jock. This act of wearing manhood… this lifelong game… It’s an act of empowerment, subversion; a form of espionage. I try on different selves. Different inflections of a polished surface. I watch. I listen. I hide my shame. I ignore my self-hatred until it corrodes me from the inside out.

I long to feel seen—to be known. Somewhere behind my eyes it’s like I ask every man I meet: Will you see me?

Two young men standing on a foggy street at night, one with glasses wearing a hoodie and dark pants, the other with arms crossed wearing a blue t-shirt and beige cargo pants.

A young man standing on a wet city street at dusk, with neon signs and tall buildings in the background.

A foggy outdoor scene of an empty soccer goal on a patchy grass field with snow patches, surrounded by leafless trees in the background.

A shirtless young man with short dark hair standing in front of a bathroom mirror, looking at the camera. The bathroom counter has various toiletries, and the mirror reflects his back.

View through a rain-covered window with streaks and drops of water, with blurry city lights and red traffic lights visible in the background.

Five young men standing together on snowy ground at night, dressed in winter clothing, with a snowy background and city lights in the distance.

Two young men standing in front of a bookshelf filled with books, one with dark skin and wearing a red shirt and striped tie, the other with light skin and-dark hair, wearing a grey and black sweater.

Journal Entry, 2014 (Age 19):

What, after all, did I know of love if it were for a man? How would I be able recognize it in myself, let alone in others? Had the movies of my youth ever shown what that would be like? Had any protagonist ever filled clichés in my mind of what to say, of how my heart would feel, of how the interactions would play out?

For nineteen years, I had been conditioned to co-exist with men. Force. Pressure. Domination. Melancholy. A dearth of ideas prevented me from drawing lines in the gray between friendship, sexuality, intimacy, and love. They all felt distant and dissolute.

At the intersection of a clash of strict morals, rampant homophobia, and rageful conditioning, how could I even begin to fathom what an intimate male friendship would look like if it were never represented to me? And how could I contrast a loving, supportive friendship to a romantic love between men that I also had never seen existing either? How do you really compare two things that never were given any visibility in the first place?

A young man standing on a red running track outside in an urban area, wearing a denim jacket, a black hoodie, gray sweatpants, and white sneakers. A fence and city buildings are visible in the background.

Young man standing on city sidewalk in a red jacket, gray sweatshirt, beige pants, red sneakers, with trees and buildings in the background.

A young man standing on a city street sidewalk, wearing glasses, a baseball cap backwards, a purple t-shirt, tan pants, and brown shoes, carrying a backpack.

A person wearing pink sunglasses and a yellow tank top standing in front of a colorful Ferris wheel at night, with two other people partially visible in the foreground.

Two young men embracing on a rooftop with modern city buildings in the background during sunset.

Two young men face each other in a snowy outdoor setting, with a blurred background of snow-covered buildings. One wears a dark blue winter coat with a fur-lined hood, and the other wears a denim jacket with a hoodie underneath.

Two young men standing against a light gray background, both with serious expressions. The man on the left has short dark hair, glasses, and is wearing a navy blue jacket and jeans. The man on the right has dark hair styled to the side, no glasses, and is wearing a black jacket with a backpack and jeans.

A person with dark hair and a beard stands in a grassy field, looking towards a cloudy sky with power lines running across the scene, surrounded by forested hills.

Silhouette of a person with bright lights in the background, creating a glowing effect.

A young man stands on a basketball court in front of an apartment building, wearing a black jacket, blue jeans, and black sneakers with yellow accents.

A young man standing in snow with a large tree in the background on a foggy day.

A young man standing outdoors on a snowy field with dried grass, city skyscrapers in the background, wearing a gray jacket, pink shirt, black scarf, and black pants.

Wooden poles arranged on a dark sandy beach with a tree-lined shoreline and a cloudy sky at sunset.

A young man standing next to a stack of aluminum bleacher seats on a grassy field during sunset, with trees and a soccer goal in the background.

Three young men sitting on concrete steps outdoors, with the middle leaning his head on the right man's shoulder. The man on the left has blonde hair and is wearing a black athletic outfit. The middle has dark hair, glasses, and a gray sweatshirt with NFL Patriots wording. The right has dark hair and is dressed in a navy sports jacket.

A shirtless man in plaid pajamas sitting on a bed with a disheveled white comforter, looking pensive. In the background, a person is lying in bed, covered with the comforter, with just their head and part of their face visible, resting on pillows. The room has gray walls, a window with blinds, a wall calendar, and some personal items on a nightstand.

Two young men standing indoors; one is brushing his teeth with a toothbrush, wearing a pink cap and a white t-shirt, the other is wearing a gray Boston Basketball t-shirt and has dark hair.

Four young men sitting on grass with a city skyline in the background.

Two young men sitting at a table indoors, with a large sepia-toned photograph of people in vintage clothing behind them.

Four young men sitting closely together indoors in front of white blinds, with some of them partially undressed and wearing casual or fuzzy clothing, in a candid, intimate pose.

Three young men standing shirtless in front of lockers in a gym or locker room.

An older man with a beard and wearing sports gear is applying face paint to a young man with short hair and a teal jacket. They are outdoors on a cloudy day.

A man sitting on a rocky ledge overlooking a dense, green forest at dusk or dawn.

Blurred image of a person with short hair, wearing a dark jacket and a hoodie, sitting indoors.

Two young men standing against a concrete wall in an urban setting.

A man in a dark shirt and shorts walking on a concrete pathway in a yard, holding a beer bottle, with a small green tree and a neighboring building in the background.

Sky with a faint streak of a jet or airplane contrail, surrounded by trees and a house roof.

A man standing on a dirt trail near a lake, surrounded by trees with green leaves, holding a cup and looking at the camera.

A young man with short hair, wearing a black jacket with a fur collar and a light blue shirt, stands near a chain-link fence, looking upward with a serious expression.

A young man with brown hair and a neutral expression in a room decorated with "Star Wars" posters.

Young man sitting on rocks on a mountain trail overlooking a valley and distant snow-capped mountains.

A young man in a plaid shirt and baseball cap sitting on a fallen log in a forest, holding a large German Shepherd dog with a chain leash.

A young man lies shirtless on a bed, looking up with a contemplative expression. The room is softly lit with green curtains in the background.

Man wearing a black cowboy hat, green long sleeve shirt, blue shorts, and black sneakers, standing outdoors on gravel with greenery and a wooden building in the background. Two toy water guns are tucked into his belt.

A young man standing on a rural road surrounded by trees, wearing a gray hoodie, purple plaid shirt, blue jeans, and black shoes.

A young man in a blue short-sleeve button-up shirt and black pants standing on a sidewalk with a colorful mural behind him.

Young man standing on a street with a green road bike, wearing a black puffer jacket, blue jeans, and white shoes, with a house and bushes in the background.

Young man sitting outdoors in a wooded area, wearing a beige cap and white t-shirt, looking thoughtful.

Young man driving a car at night, wearing sunglasses, with city streetlights and blurred background visible through the window.

Indoor lacrosse game in a large sports facility with players on the field and spectators on the sideline.

Person standing on a rock in a forested area, balancing with one arm extended.

Two young men sitting outdoors in a winter setting.

Man standing on grass holding a chainsaw, wearing orange work pants, a black t-shirt with 'IA ERIE, PA' on it, and yellow ear protection around his neck, with a wooden building and chopped wood in the background.

A young man stands on a dirt road outdoors holding a skateboard with a visible design, wearing a gray Indiana Pacers sweatshirt, a black cap, black pants, and sneakers, with bikes and trees in the background.

A man wearing a face mask, a graphic t-shirt, and shorts stands outdoors on a gravel surface, carrying two large trash cans on his shoulders.

Two young men at an outdoor stadium with empty silver bleachers, one sitting on the bleachers and the other standing beside him, wearing casual clothing and outdoor jackets during early evening or late afternoon with a cloudy sky.

A young man standing against a glass window on a city sidewalk, wearing a graphic T-shirt, beige pants, and black sneakers, with his reflection visible in the glass.

Underneath everything, did
you all long to be loved too?

Young man with short brown hair, wearing a denim jacket and light blue shirt, standing by a body of water at sunset, with a city skyline in the background.

A man with short dark hair and a beard looking at the camera while sitting by a body of water during sunset, with city buildings in the distance.

A young man sitting on the floor in a dimly lit room, with a window on the right letting in sunlight, wearing glasses, a denim jacket, and a gray shirt, with a serious expression.